Mirror or Magnifying Glass?

"You’re either holding a mirror or a magnifying glass. If you react to something that triggers you and you’re holding a magnifying glass, you’re going to feel a strong need to lay the blame on others… but if you are holding a mirror, you’re going to find the cause of the trigger within, which will allow you to heal your old wounds." David Kessler

A couple of years ago I discovered that I am very susceptible to both gaslighting and to the Mean Girl archetype.

The woman who opened the door was a tenant, and yes it was a literal door, who I really wanted to like me even though she was super clear that it was never going to happen. I kowtowed and not only flexed my boundaries but just totally dropped them into the dirt.

She was nasty, could not observe boundaries--as in would go into the neighbor's yards to pick flowers type boundaries, as well as others, less physical ones.

Eventually she did escalating and unethical things in order to try and steal the home she was renting from us by threatening law suits for health problems she had moved into the home already suffering from. We were FB friends and I remember seeing her posts about everything she was trying to heal as she made the move from her old home and into our rental.

The whole thing was incredibly stressful, I ended needing a lawyer, and I became aware that my proclivity to go belly up when being gaslit or when dealing with a Mean Girl was 'up' for me for healing.

If I'd listened to my gut...If I had respected myself more...if I had gotten really clear about why I so desperately wanted her to 'like' me (aka, approve of me, validate me, make me important), I would have known instantly to say no to her application.

Recently someone who has often been didactic and pedantic, with whom I have a client/teacher relationship (I am the client) shone a very bright light on this tendency I have to go belly-up when a woman comes at me with powerful, focused, insulting energy.

Instead of leaving it alone this time like I normally do, I drew a line in the sand and asked for kindness. Stated a boundary around the harsh languaging. I stood up and said no. You will not speak to me that way. I am more important to myself than you are and I won't be having this. (I wrote this a year ago and have no recall of who I'm even talking about here! That's how unengaged I was with her drama.)

Finally. Finally after all of these decades and years of inner work I found the solid ground of self-respect and self-love. I honor myself! As we all should be able to do.

Above all else, I am here to be REAL.

I am human, imperfect, fallible, soft, and still holding that mirror up to my own reflection. And sometimes I use a magnifying glass.

I am still learning, every day, what it really means to be human and whole and true hearted and kind and vulnerable and...well, everything!

For most of you, I see clearly that you understand the hard work of being human and that you understand that none of us are beyond reproach, least of all those who claim to be! Thank you for your kindness and for your patience and for your hard work in this sometimes unforgiving World.

Here's to all of us who are holding our mirrors and working as hard as we are able with what it is that we see reflected there.

Thank you for being you, for being real, for becoming human.