Simple Loving
Many years ago I read a book called, “Simple Loving,” by Janet Luhrs. It is basically a book of ways to show love more effectively and I read it with an eye to things I could do to make my marriage happier, stronger, better balanced, and more potent.
As I read I felt pretty good because I was already doing many of the things suggested and there were some great ideas for other things I could add in. I don’t remember specifics, like I said, it’s been a long time.
I added in the new things and handed the book off to my husband and asked him to read it. He did.
When he was finished I asked him what he thought about it. His response stunned me. He told me that it had pissed him off. When I asked why, he told me, ‘Because you should be doing so many more of the things it suggests, but you aren’t doing them.’
My jaw was hanging open and I, obviously, was super triggered by that reply.
It had never occurred to me that anyone would read that book with an eye to what they should expect, rather than an eye to what they should do.
It was clear to me that no matter how much I was already doing, I would never be able to fill his cup without completely surrendering my own life force and my own internal knowing of what balance looks like in a relationship. And so I let the imbalance continue. I gave more.
I did tell him that his perspective was fucked and that the book is about what you can DO, not what you’re supposed to be receiving. He never picked it up again.
This was a big lesson for me in the difference between empaths and narcissists. The difference between people who spend their lives taking, or receiving life force, and those of us who spend our lives giving it. It is not a lesson I integrated quickly. Maybe it’s not completely integrated now. A life of giving away is what women are raised to expect. Teach. Nurse. Mother. Wife.
There is no ending to this story, no resolution, no moral. It’s just a snippet of life that has reawakened for me and that I’ve taken out to reexamine. I am curious though, if you innately place yourself in the feeling place of others, or if you innately inhabit only your own personal feeling space?
